Lawbreaker

Watch Heather run a red light!

In the midnight hour of March 8th local resident, Heather Grande, was caught on security camera speeding through a red light and endangering the safety of her passenger, Pete Virgo.

According to police, after a short car chase down Highway 69, Officer Dug Dankit was able to stop the vehicle by jumping onto the hood of the assailant’s car and startling the driver, Heather Grande, who immediately pulled off to the side of the road and stopped. Officer Dug Dankit also stated that when he jumped onto the vehicle, passenger Pete Virgo appeared to be in mild hysterics and disoriented.

Officer Dankit’s partner, Devon Heavon, reported that Heather was wearing a stylish Bob Mackie Vermillion sequined cocktail dress and shoes by famous Malaysian Chinese designer Jimmy Choo. Pete was wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt with the words “Hot Stuff” written across the front in bright crimson lipstick.

When Officer Heavon questioned Pete Virgo, Mr. Virgo alleged that he was being blackmailed by the beautiful Heather Grande in exchange for casual sex.

Heather refuted Pete’s claim and stated that Mr. Heavon was a crazy homosexual and had attempted to steal the $3,000 dollar pair of Jimmy Choo pumps from her slender feet as they approached the intersection, which was her reason for running the red light.

Sobriety tests were administered at the scene and intoxication was ruled out as a possible cause for the disturbance. However, an unopened bottle of Dom Perignon champagne was found in the back seat.

No arrests were made because both parties declined to press charges against the other. Office Dug Dankit issued a reckless driving citation to Heather Grande and officer Heavon escorted the distraught Mr. Virgo home.

UPDATE – Heather Grande reportedly made a plea deal in court and gave a very small donation to D.A.M.N. (The organization in which she founded) in lieu of paying traffic fines and having her driver’s license suspended.

*The names in this article were changed to protect the guilty*


Comments

Lawbreaker — 5 Comments

    • Reverend, you have some room to talk about condemnation and eternal hellfire! Especially for something like speeding! You nearly T-boned me last Thursday pulling out of the Motel 6 on Route 3. What’s a “man of God” doing at a no-tell Motel anyway?

      • I was saving the soul of a prostitute who begged me for mercy. A man of God’s work is never done. Judge not lest ye be judged.

  1. I object to Heather’s insinuation that I am responsible for her bad driving skills. I am the victim in this fiasco and have required additional therapy sessions with Dr. Madelina, my therapist, as a result of this nightmarish experience. Besides that, I detest Jimmy Choo shoes.

  2. Why are we wasting time on news reports about Allynsville’s “party crowd” when there is death and destruction everywhere in the world? Our youth have lost their way. You’d never read about something like this back in 1950.

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